how is it that you can still have deep feelings for someone who has hurt you so many times? am i just a glutton for punishment? or is there a reason those feelings are still there? something inside me tells me not to give up. then there's the fact that i quite honestly still believe he is emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically perfect, even if he sometimes acts like a total ass and is a commitment-phobe. or maybe it's just me that he acts like that towards. maybe i'm not worth commitment, or i'm too forward, or too __________. i make fun of girls who act the way i'm feeling right now. "get over it," i say, "he's just a jerk." but now i think i have to be done. even though he's always on my heart and on my mind. even if it takes years to get through. i can't take it anymore. it's a rollercoaster ride and i'm not in control of any part of it, because every time he's ready to ride again, i'm right there. i just can't do it anymore. i give up.

shower, take 2

This morning, at 7:30 am, I woke up to my alarm from a dream. A dream that I had gone to Uganda, and while there, contracted AIDS. And I was happy about it. And my parents were happy about it. And one of my neighbors in Daniel Square who I barely know came and visited me and HE was happy about it. (Not happy that I had AIDS, happy that I had gone to Uganda and given it everything I had in me.)

Once I had enough consciousness to realize that I wasn't in this dream, I found a facebook message on my phone from a girl named Caitlyn Griffin. A friend-of-a-friend whom I have never met, who has the EXACT same dream for a school of technical training for older orphans/children in Uganda. She's serious.

So, all-in-all, my morning was VERY eventful before 7:35. I got in the shower and couldn't stop laughing. Which is why I somehow forgot to take the conditioner out of my hair. I got out, got dressed, and went downstairs for about an hour. When I came back upstairs, I realized that my hair was extremely sticky and goopy. Tried to wash aforementioned conditioner out in the sink. Failed. Realized it was too late and threw it in a ponytail and headed to class.

When I got home from class, I realized I was going to have to take another shower, so I went to Fike (why waste a shower?). This is when I tried again to get in the shower. Except this time, I got in with my socks on. Fail.

It's been a great morning.

(Mostly because when I was in the shower, all I could hear was "read Habakkuk, read Habakkuk." So I did. Wow. The Lord is answering the prayers of my heart. The ones I couldn't even speak out loud. The ones He heard through groans and cries.)

January 12, 2011

I am moving to Uganda, Africa on January 12 of next year. I have no earthly idea what this entails. I don't even know where in Uganda I'm going. Health insurance? Not a clue. Money? Nope. Job until then? Still...no. I'm trusting these things will get figured out before 1/12. I cannot do this by myself.

Like my roommate Kathleen said recently "It's not really that poetic when it's real life."