identity (yeah, again)

do any of us really know who we are? apparently, i don't. like at all. there's a disconnect between who i am and who i think i am.

i've never realized that i'm not who i think i am. this is who i recognize myself as being: needy, awkward, annoying, blundering and clingy. and i had totally accepted this as truth. and lived based on the fact that these things were who i was.

apparently, this is not me at all. who knew? apparently people see me as individual, free-spirited, creative, and independent. this is exactly who i've wanted to be for my whole life. guys, i am who i want to be. that's so freeing.

so why the disconnect? the enemy. 100%. he tries to get us to see ourselves differently than God sees us so we won't be confident in the things the Lord asks us to do.

it's mind-blowing that i never realized any of this until last night. i'm ready to step into who i am. so i'm running with the identity that the Lord placed on me.

this post might not make good sense

first off, i'm just so encouraged by the Lord and His Body right now.  it's so good that he gives us people to love, encourage, support each other.  and everything He does is good.

so a few weeks ago i had to surrender a few things to Him, one of which was my "mama instinct".  i had to surrender my intense longing to have kids and a family.  i'm not saying it's not going to happen, i'm just so in love with where i am with Him right now that if it doesn't happen, i'll be fine.  which is a huge step.

so last night at house church (which was hands down the best wed. night i've ever experienced.  worship was intimate, share time was encouraging, everything was just good) we were talking about identity.  after we were done, a group of people was brought to the front to pray with people they fell led to.  

i was not expecting to get prayer.  i've learned so much about identity in the past month or so that i didn't think there was more to learn.  i've been inundated with identity issues and i thought i had them all hashed out.  

so anyways, jordan  mitchell comes up to me and is like "i think i have a word for you but i'm not sure if it's for you."  so i told him i'd take that in mind and to tell me anyways.  he just said "homemaker."  

in my mind, i'm like "crap Lord!  i just surrendered this to You!  really?!!?"  but then he continues.  he says it's not homemaker in the housewife sense, but a Kingdom Homemaker.  

yeah, that word was absolutely for me.  he continued, saying that the Lord has placed me in a position where i am super observant of those around me (yes!) and i know what's going on in their hearts (yes again!).  

then he started praying that identity over me, that the Lord would give me new recipes and new food to feed to the hearts of His children since He tells me what they need.  amen!  that is me in two words.  Kingdom Homemaker.  i delight to walk in that.  

ps:  just an encouragement.  He's never done working in your life.  when you think He's gotten to everything, just remember that there is more than you can see.  so much more.

pps:  i am ALREADY a wife.  a wife of the best Husband ever.  He created marriage.  He's the best at it.  sisters, WALK IN THIS!  we're His daughters, but we're also His brides.  amen.

"And Love Was There Too" - short story for my fiction class

“I’ve known you before.  You’re the beautiful disparity.”

            I had never seen her before tonight.  But there she was.  In my room.  Sitting on the edge of my bed as if she always belonged there.  Knowing me.  And I wasn’t surprised.  She looked at me with her bright eyes full of hope and love and wisdom and prayer and knowledge of my life and my background.  It was as if I knew her too.  But I had never seen her before tonight. 

            The shadows danced upon my usually perfectly-made white sheets and leaf-green walls.  The streetlamp outside the window kept me awake most nights.  But tonight it wasn’t the light from outside brightening the room.  It was this being staring into my unbelieving eyes.

            “I know you too,” I said.  But how?  I looked back at her.  I was weirdly attracted.  Why was I so enthralled?  “Who are you?” I asked, already knowing the answer.

            Without answering, she grabbed my journal from my desk and started reading.  No one reads my journal.  It’s the one part of my life that I keep closed to everyone because no one would understand the inconsistency.  But she already had permission.  She turned each gold-edged page with intensity and purpose.  I studied her bright, milky face for a few minutes, but it kept changing.  Her blue eyes narrowed and widened with each turn of the page, her red lips turned up at the corners into a slight smile on one page, then down into a frown on the next.  Her expression was beautiful then powerful, sweet then frightening.  I could never get a good feel for it.  But I knew it.

            “Why can’t you get it out?” she asked. 

            “I don’t know how,” I replied.

            It’s been my only struggle in life.   But it’s the worst one to have.  Nothing can be done.  No human help can be of assistance. 

            “Come with me,” she said.

            I followed her without apprehension.  I followed her through the hallway, down the creaky stairs, and out the front door.  I had no idea why I was following her so willingly.  I used to pretend I was adventurous and spontaneous, but generally I would not have followed with such eagerness. 

She took me to the beach.  I felt the salty air engulfing me again.  Finally.  I let the humidity take me over, mind and body.  The waves lapped over my feet, dancing toward the hem of the nightgown that used to belong to my mother.  This is where the beauty left my eyes. Nothing is beautiful apart from here.  We stood there together a little longer. My mind twisted with the web of thoughts tangled in my mind; my long hair glistened from the thickness of the southern air.  When at last my entire existence, was sufficiently sticky, we left.

To Chalmette we traveled.  It didn’t take as long as I had remembered.  Everyone we met last time was there.  There is so much to be done still.  Every other house you pass on the street is marked as condemned.  You can still see the water lines on the side of the buildings from the flooding.  And how many lost and wandering there are!  Why can’t we get it all done?  Austin and Jo’Nira looked pleadingly up at me, wearing their small, broken hearts on their sleeves, reaching for someone to hold them.  I wished they were mine.  I wished their parents knew what they held in their uncaring grasps.  All I could feel was my heart being ripped from my chest.  They want to come with me.  I wanted to take them back.  This is my life.  A mix of love and pain and longing.

“You left your love here,” she said. 

“I know.  Why did I do that?”

“You needed to.  But now you need it back.  You won’t be back for a while, but there are people at home who need your love too.  Brokenness is everywhere.  Mend it.”

“I can’t always find them,” I said sadly, knowing it wasn’t an excuse. 

We went higher.  Higher.  And higher.  When I could barely see the Gulf through the clouds below us, we stopped. 

“There is your wonder,” she said, hanging in the atmosphere as if it were ordinary.

I knew this was what she was going to say.  My wonder is so far from me that when I feel it, I become distant.  The whole earth!  How can anything be so big?  When I ask unanswerable questions, I give up seeking the response.  But no response is needed.  No response was ever needed. 

The trees closed in around me.  Then they opened up again.  All I could see was the lake and the mountains beyond it.  It was so cold.  The smile on my face wouldn’t go away.  Joy was all I could feel.  It was so intense that I literally saw the joy.  The trees were applauding and the mountains were singing.  It’s joy.  And beauty.  And wonder.  All at once.  And love.  Love was there too. 

She took me back home.  To the place I know.  My comfort.  To the creaky stairs, the white sheets and the leaf-green walls.  Somehow it looked different than before, more intense.  More real.  This felt like how it was meant to look. 

Back in my room, she repeated it.  “I’ve known you before,” she said. 

“I know it.  Tell me what you know of me.  Especially now.”

“You’re the beautiful disparity,” she repeated.  “You’re the writer who can’t write.  The painter who can’t paint.  The musician who can’t play.  It’s all there in your head, but you can’t seem to get it out.  Because of this, you leave your emotions laying around in the places you feel them most intensely.  They are stuck in pictures in your mind.  You have to bring them all together.  Your story isn’t finished yet.  Get it out of your mind.  Share it.”

I have to share it.  Every single day.  To everyone I meet.  There’s no way a person could possibly feel all of this and not get it out.  And someone will listen.  Someone.

how beautiful the blood flow

how beautiful the blood flow, how merciful the love shown, the King of Glory poured out, victorious are we now...

goodbye is too heavy a word for my heart to say.

in the midst of being ridiculously excited about my summer plans as well as being insanely overwhelmed by school, i've been counting down the days until i'll be in charleston.  

last night i realized that three weeks left of clemson also means only three weeks of some people being in clemson.  forever.  melancholy overwhelmed me.  

and then i realized that i'll be doing the exact same thing a year from now.  i've wasted almost three years here.  i haven't done a thing that's mattered.  

rise! allelujah!

what a beautiful celebration easter is.  i sure am glad He came, but i'm way more glad that He saved us through His sacrifice.  so why do we celebrate christmas with a bigger party than easter?

as believers, we should be so in wonder at the Cross that we can't help but party.  i wish i was there for that first easter.  the poor women who found the empty tomb.  what a shock!  but how joyful when they later met Christ as he uttered a simple "blessings".  

i'm just in awe today.  My Love is ravishing my heart.  especially today as i'm reminded of what He did.  

He's alive, guys.  Jesus Christ, who died 2000 years ago ROSE FROM THE DEAD.  can we start living like we believe this?  i think it's time.  He's ready to enter into a romance with you.  with everyone.  

let's live every minute in remembrance that He's ALIVE.  The Christ is alive.  Allelujah.

He's begging you to trust Him

It's so ridiculous when we don't trust.  When we think that we have to make a plan because He doesn't have one.  When we believe our Friday nights are too insignificant for Him to worry about.  Everyone goes home for Easter?  No problem.  He's the Lord.  

I really don't like to be alone in my apartment.  And I started to worry that I would be spending two in a row in just that place.  False.  He has such good plans.  Way more fun than I could even have thought.  And we met a new friend who got to see us love each other.  

This is such a silly example, but it goes so much deeper than that.  When He provides in a big way in such small instances, it reinforces the fact that He's going to provide in EVERY situation.  No matter how small, no matter how BIG.  

Proverbs 19:21 says "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails."  Father, let Your purpose prevail in my life.  Destroy my plans.  Make Your plans my plans.

the Lord is soooo good and faithful

so i'll be "interning" at New Day Church in charleston this summer....(newdaychurchsc.com check it).  basically that means i'm going to get poured into and learn an insane amount about the Lord in return for doing whatever needs to be done.  (they want me to be able to administer prophetic ministry by the end of the summer and i'm PSYCHED)

and He keeps being so faithful with such little things.  He loves people so much and loves to tell them.  and loves to use us to do it.  which stuns me.  who am i?  i'm no one.  my best attempt at righteousness is like a filthy rag to Him.  but He still uses us to show love to us through loving on other people. 

my heart is busting open.

 "The LORD your God is among you,
    a warrior who saves.
    He will rejoice over you with gladness.
    He will bring quietness with His love.
    He will delight in you with shouts of joy."

-Zephaniah 3:17

good heavens!  i'm running out of exclamations!  shucks!