i have commitment issues. which is why i'm going back to tumblr. for the second time. check it: www.longtobealive.tumblr.com

holla!

tomorrowwwww....

....is gonna be the best adventure ever.

church in the morning on daufuskie at the first union african baptist church.

then fishing with steve ranney (who is a captain for ohh) on his boat!

all with bianca wilderness!

and thennnn cookout (maybe) at bianca's and then girlie sleepover/movie time. bah. love life. (even though i'm currently in a funk because one of our coworkers told me i was unfashionable and that i did an okay job of booking reservations even though it's what i do twenty-four/seven. bahhhh.)

150

all my friends are telling me to be careful. be careful with your heart, jordan. but here's the thing...how can i share my heart if i'm so busy guarding it? so i stopped guarding for a little while and started letting others share with me. and by opening up my heart so that someone else could show me who they really were, somehow i got hurt. but isn't that the point? why is getting hurt such a bad thing? it means you actually still care and aren't a robot like everyone else. since when is not getting hurt the goal in life?

but somehow along the way i've ended up with a jack shephard complex. like it's my responsibility to fix everyone and everything. so, naturally, i'd gravitate toward the people who need fixing. but if i'm not focused on fixing someone else, then my whole life revolves around me. and what kind of life is that? bah. it's all so confusing.

also, it's my 150th post. happy milestone to me.

bah! love them!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0BPaY6_9hs&feature=player_embedded#!

A LA DERECHA, A LA DERECHA!!!!

so this tuesday i had my first ever fireworks kayak tour. (shelter cove has harborfest every tuesday and shoots off fireworks after dark from the harbor and we take trips out to do the 2-hour nature tour, then we stay out for the show.) first off, i had 21 people in my group. the usual maximum is 16. i figured that at least they'd all go in doubles, so it wasn't a big deal. they all wanted to pay separately, so it took 15 minutes to check them all in. i walked by the kiosk as my colleagues took their payment and paperwork, and realized that they were speaking a different language. thank GOD it was spanish, and i'm half-fluent in spanish. so 21 non-english-speaking people. but hey, they'll be in doubles. 11 boats isn't so bad. so i introduce myself and head down to the dock to load them and chris was helping get trips out. we do the paddle clinic and get pfds on everyone and they start getting in boats. apparently christopher was charmed by the cute spanish girls, so he put almost all of them in singles. so at this point, i have 21 people who can't understand me out in 18 boats. i had already given up on the nature part of the tour, so i was just focused on keeping them all together and safe. but here's the kicker. not only could i not give them instructions in english, but they wouldn't listen to me as i called instructions in spanish. so here are these little spanish teenagers paddling straight up through the middle of the boat channel at the harbor with 100-foot head boats coming right at them. "A LA DERECHA, A LA DERECHA," i yelled to no avail. needless to say, it was an interesting hour and a half.

i haven't forgotten...

i promise. i haven't forgotten about you. just wanted to let you know. it's just that i'm working so much and loving it and it's just time for me to shed this cocoon that i've built for myself. no, not shed. that's not what i mean to say. it's just that i created a mold around my life and didn't let anything that didn't fit in the mold in or out. and life was not meant to be lived that way.

i'm experiencing true freedom for the first time in my life. no school, no leases, no commitments. it feels so good. i could drop everything tomorrow and go to nepal for a month and there would be no repercussion other than missing a month of pay.

and with this freedom comes freedom in my actions. it's a beautiful thing.

to use a knapp-ism (courtesy of laura knapp) "flex that freedom!"

i haven't picked up a book in over a month. not even madeleine. as i type this i'm glancing to the bookshelf on my left, looking at all the unread books on it and feeling guilty.

nor have i picked up a paintbrush...in approximately six months. and i haven't touched my real camera in a month either. gulp. i'm feeling pretty unproductive and talentless. i can't wait to dive back in.

on a different note, i've made some decisions about my life/future. they are as follows:

1. i am going to try to get a job at a ski resort out west for the winter. bianca wilderness and i have vowed to make the trek out together. guess that means i gotta dust off the old ski gear.

2. i really, really, really want to go to new york for like a week in the fall. hopefully ohh will want me until at least labor day, and after that, i'll have about a month to travel and just chill until i go out to (hopefully) colorado or utah. i'd love to rent a loft from vrbo.com for a week and live the bohemian life. ahhhh.

3. i have an extreme dislike for commitment. i've known this for a while, but now that i'm out in the world and have no real commitments, i'm re-discovering my love of freedom. which means that i have no real interest in getting married in the next ten or fifteen years, or ever having kids.

4. i talk like a sailor. this isn't really a decision so much as it is a realization.

alsoooo...

on my drive home from work today, i was dancing wildly to that ridiculous "california girls" song and looked to my left and a handful of white-haired ladies on a bus from one of the assisted-living homes were laughing at me. ohhh what has my life become?

lordy, lordy. it's been awhile!

to all of the many (read, like....1) avid readers of my blog...i'm sorry! it's been a crazy/awesome few weeks! here are a few of the things i've experienced since we spoke last:

-went stand-up paddleboarding for the first time...and absolutely fell in LOVE...then did it every day for the next week.

-bought an amazing waterproof camera.

-ran into Tom Berenger (the actor) in Giuseppi's. he was totally smashed at 12 pm. like...can't-stand-up drunk.

-had a party in the emergency room. Jenn jumped off an SUP into an oyster bed and cut the junk out of her foot so we rushed her to the ER. while she was getting fixed, we were having social hour in the waiting room.

-partied on an island...think Lost. so i work with laura, whose best friend is prescott (aka carlton), whose father owns a small island off of old house creek on hilton head. we went over one night and it was like we got transported to the 1960s. insanity.

-experienced the bar scene on hilton head. again...insanity. desperate women, trashy men, cougars, tourists, locals, foreigners...everything you can imagine, all crowded into one hot, humid room filled with alcohol. it's something worth doing for sure.

-gotten no sleep. my sleeping times have ranged from 3 hours a night to 12 hours a night. the 12-hour nights usually followed a long string of 3- and 4-hour nights. bah. i'm so off my schedule.

-worked like crazy. i LOVE LOVE LOVE my job. i love the people i work with. i love our customers. i love our programs.

-saw dolphin sex. yes, you read that right.

it's been a month of firsts. a month of growing and learning and real world smashing into me at 100 miles per hour. but such a good month.

in other news, we found out today that a scam artist has been forging OHH checks totaling over $40,000. yikes. the bank's insurance has to cover it, but sheesh. it was an interesting day in the office for sure.

writer's block

salt, phones, 5 fingers, "good morning, outside hilton head," sunscreen, letters, islands, hammocks, corona light, "absolutely, when would you like to go?," cordgrass, egrets, bar-hopping, dogs, kayaks, dolphins....

i could go on and on.

these are my excuses for not blogging lately.

2010 reading list...so far

one of my goals for 2010 was to read fifty books within the year. we're about nineteen weeks in and i'm only on number thirteen. whelp. but here's what i've read so far this year:

1. Bird by Bird - Anne Lamott
2. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close - Jonathan Safran Foer
3. The Help - Kathryn Stockett
4. A Circle of Quiet - Madeleine L'Engle
5. Beauty - Robin McKinley
6. A Live Coal in the Sea - Madeleine L'Engle
7. The Soloist - Steve Lopez
8. Everything is Illuminated - Jonathan Safran Foer
9. The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Neifenegger
10. The Other Side of the Sun - Madeleine L'Engle
11. Two-Part Invention - Madeleine L'Engle
12. Leaves of Grass - Walt Whitman

i have also read a book for a class that's not a textbook...if the count gets down to the wire by december, The Toyota Way by Jeffrey Liker may weasel its way on to the list.

number thirteen is The Bicycle Diaries by David Byrne. well, that and My Life in France by Julia Child. and Man Walks Into a Room by Nicole Krauss. i tend to read more than one thing at a time. so sue me. maybe that's why i'm not getting through my list as fast as i could be. because if you added up all the parts of those books that i have read, it would probably be an extra book and a half. oh well.

hopefully i'll read a lot this summer. hmmmm or maybe i'll just go read now instead of studying for my two exams that are on thursday. how bad could they be, right? i've gotten this far through college without studying, why not finish strong?

(some recommendations/reviews from the above list. first off, i'm going to recommend anything by madeleine. she's my absolute hands-down favorite author of all time. bird by bird is really great if you're interested in becoming a writer or an artist in general. she has a really beautiful outlook on life. jonathan safran foer rocks my life, in a post-modern way. usually i'm not a fan of postmodernism (in literature, at least) but foer attacks convention in a way that brings out the beauty in non-convention, not just the ugly in convention. if that makes any sense whatsoever. all that to say, please go out and read extremely loud and incredibly close. the help was really cute. a very easy read. and not all mushy and fake like most popular reading books. beat the system! "beauty" was verrrrrry silly. but an easy read. pretty romantic/mushy. not usually my jam. the soloist was so, so, so good. if you like music, journalism, or the topics of homelessness and mental disease, you will love this book. i promise. seriously. check it. the time traveler's wife was pretty silly/mushy, but in a very hipster way. the cultural references were, i think, my favorite thing about the book. i also like her clean writing style. and leaves of grass is a classic. if you like poetry, cities, love, woods, beaches, or war you will probably gain something from reading it.)

...i'm very proud of my accomplishments...

this is something i've been tracking since freshman year. and i'm extremely proud.

i'm a fast test-taker. if i don't know something, i just pick an answer and don't deliberate. and if i know something, i know it.

here are my fastest test-taking times in college and the classes they correspond to:

1. 8 minutes - Sport Management
2. 11 minutes - Organizational Behavior
3. 12 minutes - Sport Management
4. 16 minutes - Finance 306
5. 18 minutes - Organizational Behavior

my lean operations exam tomorrow is going to be easy-peasy. maybe i can beat a record? hmmmmm.

suddenly everything has changed

somehow in the past two or three months i have evolved from a morning person to a night owl. all my life, i have been a bed-at-eleven/up-at-seven girl. all of a sudden, i find myself eating dinner at ten and trudging upstairs at three-thirty or later. how did this happen? and sleeping until nine and ten in the morning! how completely foreign that is to me. and it cannot continue this summer, because i'm probably going to have to be at work at least as early as seven-thirty every morning. i'm not going to lie, i'm pretty excited.

"frolic on, crested and scallop edg'd waves!"

this morning started with a solo dance party in the living room.

then dcf. wonderful. absolutely. no, seriously. go read acts 12:1-19. "if you live in fear, you will not live in peace." "fear is a choice." "death is not the final answer." "when we share our stories, fear decreases and faith increases." and then the music! dcf worship rocks my heart. that junk about fear is just what i needed to hear. i'm one hundred percent going to move somewhere far away in the fall. hopefully shelbs gets into csu.

then i came home and ate plain noodles and drank black coffee on the porch with kathleen. i love eating on the porch. and just sitting on the porch, really. i'm pretty sure my neighbors think i'm crazy.

after lunch, i went upstairs to tackle packing. four hours and a lot of dancing later, i'm totally ready to load up my car. crazy!

then somehow the bare floor (that no one has seen since before spring break) was calling my name. so i laid down and cracked open "leaves of grass." walt whitman was totally insane. and super in-tune with his sexual side. whoa. but he had so many beautiful things to say. example:


"Afoot and light-hearted I take to the open road,
Healthy, free, the world before me,
The long brown path before me leading wherever I choose."
(from "Song of the Open Road")

and

"O to realize space!
The plenteousness of all, that there are no bounds,
To emerge and be of the sky, of the sun and moon and flying clouds, as one with them."
(from "A Song of Joys")


as it usually does, experiencing the work of a master inspires creativity in myself, so i wrote this terrible poem about how empty our room feels:


laying, face up in an empty room.
they've taken their belongings and left me here.
songs of love and rebellion fill the air,
hot from the open window.

and in this moment, i am good.

oh! if walls could talk.
but my question is this:
when all the things are gone,
will the memories leave too?


whelp. not too good. and super cliche. oh well. at least i don't have delusions of grandeur in regards to my art. i just do it because i can't not. (double negative...i know...i'm just not sure how else to say it.)

after my little creativity session and a couple more cups of coffee, i was lulled to sleep by the musical stylings of the weepies and the freelance whales and took the best three-song nap ever. i was awoken by a really upbeat and oddly loud song by two door cinema club. i texted lark to see when she was coming home when i got a strange urge to go watch the sunset at the dikes. i was heading out the door when lark texted me back, saying she was actually in clemson, but had gone to the dikes to watch the sunset. it's strange how alike we are sometimes. so i went out and read some more whitman.

and now i'm back with the music back on, waiting for emily and caitlin to come over so we can drink margaritas on the front steps. why, i'm not exactly sure. but do it we shall.

a few excerpts from "two-part invention" by madeleine l'engle

first off, anyone who is married, is getting married, wants to get married, or know someone who might someday want to be married to another human being should read this book.


"I am grateful that Hugh [her husband] and I didn't meet until we had both learned at least a little more about other people and about ourselves than we knew during those early years of painful growth."

"...anyone who could love so vocally, who found it so necessary to reiterate out loud the depths of his passion, might not, in reality, be very deep."

"...what connects us human beings is far more central than that which separates us..."

"Perhaps the most dehumanizing thing of all is that we have allowed the media to call us consumers - ugly. No! I don't want to be a consumer. Anger consumes. Forest fires consume. Cancer consumes."

"I don't think I would love a man who never dared to do anything crazy."

"It is a terrible choice: the purifying fire of the creator or the deathly cold fire of Satan."

"...the more people I love, the more vulnerable I am."

requiem for a dream-like-experience, part V

i'm starting to feel like i'm writing in a yearbook. this is not goodbye. i promise. just a way to tell all of you how much i love and appreciate going through college with you.

the boys. you guys are definitely in the minority in my friend group. so you have a blog all to yourselves.

PJ Mancuso: the first time i met you was the "night of everything." rollercoaster road, the haunted school house, palms, waffle house. you and taylor met! what a wonderful night! you are such a great friend. i'm so happy for you and taylor both. i remember when the three of us had comm 150 together during summer session and just laughing a lot. that was back when you were sleeping on their couch at the ridge. what a fun time. lost discussions, hp discussions, talks about theology and life. you're just awesome and i can't wait to see you and tay's life together. (and i can't wait to be aunt jordan to what i KNOW will be you guys' precious children!)

Ming Lee: i can't imagine anyone more perfect for jenny. from sushi to lost to zaxby's after radius, i'm so glad you came into all of our lives.

Ray Hobbs: just one year of knowing you wasn't enough! i remember one night at 356 i had a cold and asked if it would be a bad idea to drink a beer when i had just taken some kind of medicine. you assured me i'd be fine. well let-me-tell-you. i was not fine. i'm not sure if you actually knew that. or why i'm saying it here. whelp. you definitely made my junior year better than it would have been had you not been around. i'm especially fond of that random time that you got a ride with me to columbia. i'm just really glad to know you!

Ryan Heard: what an encouraging voice you are. i never really knew you that well until we took religion with cohen. what a great time to chat about all things God and life. it's been so great to look down onto the stage at fca and see you anchoring the rhythm of the Lord's songs. what a blessing.

Jamie Williams: jamie-bro. when i think of you during freshman year, i think of you pop-lock-and-dropping it with carlye in the parking lot behind byrnes. loved our chats through soccer games this fall with chan. you're a great guy and it's so great to know you.

Ben Lanz: i'm so glad you kept pursuing claire and bringing her ice cream even though you met on facebook because now you're getting married! i'm so glad to know you. thank you so much for all your help with the "manly" stuff around the apartment! what a blessing!

Blair Clarkson: awww buddy. i miss you over there in europe! you were such a huge part of my life toward the end of college. i'm so thankful for you!

and finally....
Joey Evans: words just cannot express how much your friendship means to me. i don't know what to say. mostly because you know it all anyways. thanks for putting up with my neurotic girl mess. thanks for leaving your friends at waffle house to come talk to me when i was upset. thanks for your eternal willingness to help me even when it's not convenient. i remember our g-chat conversations all summer when you were in fort collins. man, that summer was a little rough, but we both made it through! i cannot WAIT to see what life has for you, from law school to saving the world! you're the best. i mean it.

requiem for a dream-like-experience, part IV

to my house church people: i love you all dearly with the powerful love that comes only from Jesus.

Anna Copeland, Caleb Carter, Austin Alvarez, Nichole Johnson, Jonathan Lassiter, John Longshore, Michael Longshore, Jessica Reis, Wesley Kapp, Josh Carroll, the Robinsons, and many other brothers and sisters: you guys are so absolutely important to me. to have such a close community of people to point you at all times to the Lord. what an amazing blessing. from spontaneous worship to st. louis, from austin's basement to Andy and Jenn's. you guys know what's up. what an amazing thing it is to know you guys and know your heart for the Lord. you encourage my heart in ways you don't even know. i love you all so, so much.

requiem for a dream-like-experience, part III

the TTV crew. i only lived with ya'll for one semester, but you guys welcomed me in with open arms. i'm so grateful!

Katie Keenan and Ashley Smith: you guys were such fantastic roommates! my favorite time was when we made chicken kabobs and moved the kitchen table out onto the front porch and ate there and drank my last illegal drink before i turned 21. what a beautiful night. thank you girls so much for being so great.

Megan, Travis (yeah, you go in this category), Charron, Stephanie, Ashley, and anyone else i'm forgetting: i have such fond memories with you all. having a sleepover through that snowstorm. taking religion with the "heartless ginge," watching lost when ya'll came back from fuse. you guys made that semester great. thanks.

requiem for a dream-like-experience, part II

to all my other girls. i'm so glad that God brought us together.

Chandler Carver: chauncey. i am so glad we're friends. obviously, the majority of memories stem from spring break. walking fifteen feet in front of you at all times. dragging you through the met with a look of wonder in my eyes as you were probably bored out of your mind. you dragging me to the big green or whatever that boston stadium is called. then the other times. trivia, 356 sushi nights, photo shoots, skipping class to go to atami's sophomore year. your amazing ability to interpret my text messages. rapping along with jay-z. when you're a big-time sports woman, you better introduce me to rafa nadal. you'll have the connections, i know it.

Kristan Alewine: kristan, i just can't tell you how much i appreciate you in my life. you and your amazing neck massages and head scratches. "public." defying gravity at the top of our lungs. taking thousands of pictures on spring break. some interesting late-night text messages. your encouragement helped get me through this year. thank you.

Sarah Comer: you just don't know how much i love you. it's so, so much. i'm incredibly thankful for the summer of sarah, when we hung out those first few times. i was so intimidated by your beauty. driving to stumphouse and standing in the waterfall with laura, going to pray on campus at 7am, being so sad when your internship moved you back to north augusta. i'm so glad we became friends. you are just the most beautiful spirit. can't wait for our "wedding date."

Caitlin O'Neill: big deal. what a baller at life you are. and an acc champion also. i'm so glad we got to bond in the car the whole way to tampa. i need to learn some of your cooking skills.

Shelby Salley: sleeeeepy shelbs. i think i met you less than a year ago. but can i just tell you how cool i think you are? a baller mountain woman. let's move to foco in the fall, okay? we'll go get tattoos, too...once you figure out what you want.

Emily Armes: you do what you want without worrying about anyone else's opinion. i love that about you. this summer in charleston, the bike gang, commandeering tall ships, making meals out of seemingly nothing. i'm so thankful to have you in my life. it's so cliche, but you've always been there for me, and i'm deeply grateful.

Jenny Conard: you got engaged last night! okay that's not really a memory...yet. but it will be! hey i'm so glad i've gotten to live with you for the past three years. staying up late and watching friends after everyone else had gone to bed. letting me cry on your shoulder. lifting me up in prayer. a woman after my own heart. a lover of beauty. thanks for introducing me to madeleine. bless you for putting up with my attitude!

Claire Campbell: as i type this, you're cleaning up the living room from jenny's engagement party. what a servant's heart. it's been such a blessing to be able to live with you. three weeks until you're married. i can't wait to see what you and ben do together for the Lord.

Laura Vollmer: it's been so good to become friends with you in the past couple of years. you have such a gentle spirit and i love that about you.

requiem for a dream-like-experience, part I

for the next few posts, i'm going to post some of my favorite memories and favorite things about some of my favorite people in the entire world. i'm going to start with the lever-ten girls and work my way forward chronologically.

to all of you: you made me stay. you all know that i applied for transfer to college of charleston three different times throughout my college career. you are the only reason i'm graduating as a tiger instead of a cougar. i love all of you so, so much.

Katie McWhorter: i remember that first day we moved in to 10A6 you said to your mom "did you see all her harry potter books? i think we're going to get along." and get along we did. most of the time ;). thank you for being a great roommate, even when i wasn't. my favorite memories are of playing that man vs. woman scene-it game, dominating at HP scene-it, and that night when pj and i decided to split an entire bottle of nyquil. thanks for making sure i didn't die. another great moment was when tay and i discovered that you weren't, in fact, getting "chemistry tutoring," but were dating your chemistry tutor! and now you're getting married!

Laura Oglesby: my only management friend! i have loved having classes with you over the years, even if you have a far greater entrepreneurial spirit than i do. i'm so thankful for your take-charge attitude. we'd never have made plans to do fun things if you hadn't been there to make the decision! i can't wait to see what you do with all that talent!

Taylor Davis: tay, words can't express how much i love you. i am so grateful for your loyalty and your love throughout the years. our first bonding moment was crying on each others' shoulders that first day in the lobby of lever when our parents left. then we had to go sit through that alcohol seminar. what a weird time. the summer after sophomore year was one of the best times of college. I loved our QT. and we had a LOT of it!

Meghan Ables: you are one of the strongest women i know. you know what you want and who you love. i admire your willingness to go after those things. i loved our crunchy club times. eating at "stiletto" alllll the time. watching you mix your cereals like a pro. watching you play flag football like a pro in death valley. tailgating with your parents. chatting with you during your breaks at camp. hanging out at the lake. trying to save the float from floating away and jumping on it, just pushing it further out into the lake. in full clothing. in march.

Morgan Padgett: oh, morg. i love you so much. hanging out with you and fondie on valentine's day. watching you eat 302498 boxes of thin mints around your birthday. sitting under your loft and chatting for hours. i'm so excited to see how you influence the lives of so many kids. what a blessing you are!

Kathleen Culhan: francine, when i met you freshman year, i never imagined that we'd end up living together for almost three years! i remember going shopping in anderson alllll the time freshman year. (how did we have money to do that???) i remember sobbing with you all through "ps i love you" and then sobbing the whole way to waffle house. waltzing through the living room in daniel square. playing in the leaves with fondie. sitting with you while you watched josh walk back and forth across the parking lot ;) and look how that turned out!

Larkin Shaw: fondie. fo-fo. lafonda. fonz. fofie. lark. i loooooove you! my anchor. my perpetual "date." my fellow dreamer. an artist after my own heart. i'm so, so, so, SO thankful for you. watching you fall 234983 times a day. listening to the hilarious stories you have about your kiddos. giving you rides all over campus when you tore your acl. sitting on the front porch doing homework/avoiding doing homework. chatting with you about how freaking cool our soulmates are going to be. and how late they are. i'm so excited to watch you live.

so that's all of 'em. next up: the non-lever-ten girls. watch out, chandler, kristan, sarah, caitlin, shelby, emily, jenny, claire, and laura v.

shhhhh...don't tell ANYONE...

...but i have a guilty pleasure. i've tried for years to deny myself. when it was mentioned in public, i'd turn my nose up. "why would anyone like that?" i asked.

yes. i'm secretly addicted to....taylor swift's music. i know, i know. it doesn't fit with my alt-y, emo-y, acoustic-y musical style. it doesn't fit with anything i do, really.

but c'mon, now. who doesn't like jamming out to love song? i know i'm not the only one.

but forreal. don't tell a SOUL. i know where you live.

this has been my life for the past two weeks:

zach: welp....that was basically the same thing i had already
haha
worded differently of course

me: whoops. well. great minds think alike?

zach: haha
and by great minds, you mean apathetic, soon-to-be-graduated-over-it-dont-care minds

i drink my coffee black

when did we grow up?

yesterday i went to charleston for my seventh-to-twelfth-grade best friend's wedding shower. as we went around the room and introduced ourselves, we said how we met the lovely laura westby. i was reminded of band, seventh grade. the new girl, from north dakota, with her dented saxophone and how when the other kids were making fun of her, i wanted to tell them to stop. but, being in seventh grade and having a totally precarious sense of self-worth, i didn't. yet, somehow, we became friends. an unstoppable duo.

and now she's getting MARRIED! to the most wonderful guy. i'm just giddy when i think of how joyful their life will be.

as i drove away yesterday, my eyes filled with tears. tears of joy, tears of sadness, tears of nostalgia. it seems like just yesterday we were getting ready for high school graduation. and now we're real-life adults.

i can't wait to see what life holds for my friends and i.

you know how i tell i'm an adult? a few weeks ago, i started drinking my coffee black.

bursting forth in glorious day

beyond the heaps of concrete, metal:
a spot in the sand.
to wait.

it's cold and the wind
gently blows the top layer of sand
past us.

broken shells tossed and turned
for thousands of years.
is this what i am to You?

i shiver and become restless,
but despite myself,
You come still.

bursting forth in glorious day.



my feeble attempt at poetry from this weekend. sarah and i woke up at 6:30 and walked out to the beach to watch the sun rise. it was freeeeezing, mostly because the wind was blowing like a g. which was whipping the top layer of sand down the beach. and i couldn't help but think of how those miniscule, tumbling, broken shells must remind God of us, being tossed about by every turn of events. but then the Sun burst forth and i was reminded that tumbling is not my destiny.

an addiction to beauty

i'm not actually sure why i started blogging in the first place. certainly not because i expected anyone to read it. but then why not just keep a diary? i think it was the thrill of knowing that, if someone cared enough, they could find me. six-hundred and something page views later, i'm not sure why anyone reads anymore. but i do know that most of what i've been posting on lately has not been beautiful, beneficial, pointing to something greater than myself and my foolish life.

this site was meant to be a portrayal of my soul. when i go back and read some of the things i've said over the past weeks, months, years, i don't like the woman i see. it's not an accurate representation of the person i want to be. so i'm sorry. let me reintroduce myself:


My name is Jordan Elizabeth Scott Treadaway. I was named after my mom's sister Elizabeth Scott White who passed away at 18 and my parents' good friend Steve Jordan. Jordan means "to flow down" and Treadaway is some derivative of "mighty warrior."

I'm addicted to beauty. Sometimes I look out over our back porch and cry because the leaves are so green, and get a high better than any drug when I sit in the amphitheater on campus and look out at the reflection pond and the blooming trees.

I'm very happy just to "be." To sit and drink coffee and listen to a conversation. Most times I'd rather do the listening than the talking.

I'm easily hurt, so I pretend to be a hard-ass. Lots of people don't know this about me.

I get easily depressed by all the bad things I see in the world, and transform into a clam when it gets overwhelming. I turn to books and art to remove me from this world and take me into another, better, simpler, more beautiful one. And suddenly this becomes my reality.

I believe strongly in the power of the Love of God to do battle against terrible things. He's so much stronger than we give Him credit for. And, according to Romans 8:9-11, this power, the power that raised Christ from death, lives within us. I have no problem believing this of others, but I struggle to think that this is true of myself. Increase my faith!

I don't know what I want to do with this life. But I do know that whatever it is should involve breaking the dam of religion and darkness and showing people love, beauty, truth, power, grace.


this is what i want, need to portray here. thank you all so much.

all day, waiting, anticipation, until
finally, a tap on the window.
rife with apologies and excuses
that i eat up without hesitation.

coffee, tea, talk, chat, argue.
of slippery slopes and life after school.

and every time it comes on,
the rattle of the air conditioner startles me.
segmenting the time, counting
until he leaves again.

i'm thinking...

...of getting tatted up. and by "tatted up" i mean i want a very tiny hand-drawn, rough-looking cross in the indention on the diagonal line from my heel to my ankle bone on my left foot. and by that i mean:



any thoughts?

thinking is my anti-study

six couples within my close group of friends are getting married this summer. i couldn't be happier for all of them.

through their wedding planning, i've learned a lot. and it has gotten me thinking about, if i ever get married, what my wedding will be like. certainly much different than most other ceremonies.

first off, i'm going to send invitations to everyone who might want to come. wedding guest lists should not be the place to exercise a sense of control over others. if someone really wants to come celebrate the love that you and your significant other are professing, then that someone should be there.

also, none of this two months of festivities. one shower. one rehearsal dinner. no bachelorette party. my whole life has been one big bachelorette party. why would i need one more?

food at the wedding? barbecue and coleslaw and sweet tea.

no gifts. make a donation to your favorite charity in our names. consumerism should not play a role in the start of a marriage.

just some thoughts. i'm not criticizing, just commenting on how different my ideal wedding is from the norm.

now i have to begin studying for my exam. that happens to be in nine hours and fifty minutes.

long live self-destructive behavior!

i only have three weeks left for this to be (relatively) socially acceptable.

-eating one meal a day because i haven't been to the store in a month.
-drinking an entire case of PBR in a week.
-going downtown on a monday night. when i have a test on tuesday.
-laying in the sun instead of doing homework.
-other things that will not be made public knowledge due to a strict secrecy pact.

i've decided that when i look back on my last month in college, i'll remember these things. and at this point, the worst that could happen is for my GPA to slip a few tenths of a point. right?

i dreamed there was a fountain

there's just something about standing at the bottom of a fifty foot waterfall and looking up into the sun that can't be put into words. photographs can't capture it. i've never even seen a painting that does it justice. the feel of the spray as it cools your body, tired from the scramble over rocks and tree roots. the sound of water hitting rocks that drowns out even your thoughts. the feeling that yes, those falls are huge, but we serve the One who made them.

by popular request (jenn), i'm totally changing subjects and listing my top five places i want to move once i have money saved up. they are, in no particular order:
-jinja, uganda
-sandpoint, idaho
-denver, colorado
-new york, new york
-washington, dc

check out these lyrics by john mark:

I dreamed there was a fountain
I dreamed there was a vein
That overcame the mountain
Like a condescending rain

With love that's bigger than Los Angeles
With a speed that overcame the pain
Of a thousand left hand promises
Made by thieves with their good names

There came a song upon a west wind
That kissed the lips of spoon-fed babes
Though ignorant inside their blessings
But it broke their hearts, and they sang

Come drink this water
Come drink this blood
Come and drink this love that you could not afford

I stood and looked across the waters
Of a great Atlantic sea
I saw my sons I saw my daughters
It's like they had no tears to weep

There came a song upon a west wind
That kissed the lips of spoon-fed babes
Though ignorant inside their blessings
But it broke their hearts, and they sang

Come drink this water
Come drink this blood
Come and drink this love that you could not afford


you can find the song on itunes, and a portion goes back to building wells for people in areas with unsafe drinking water.

life: 2.0

new POA for life:

-move home and work at OHH (if they'll have me back) (scratch that, i just got an email from Tracie saying they want me!)

-work until i have saved $10,000 in the bank (plus mutual fund)

-take a couple of weeks off in the middle of summer for a road trip. (Bluffton --> New Orleans to see Katie --> Houston to visit Sarah --> Denver to see Ray and Meghan --> Sandpoint to visit the fam.)

-move somewhere cool

everyone needs to see this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BiSMeuGQj7w

i don't pretend to know the psychology of it. all i know is that when boys are five years old, they'll tell you anything. and not just because they know you want to hear it. they actually mean it.

dinner at chick-fil-a tonight turned into a one-sided flirt-fest from a small child to me. we sat outside next to the window to the play area. as i sat down, i glanced behind me and saw a chubby caramel-colored face staring at me through the glass. i waved and thought that would scare him off. after a few fries, i heard a banging on the window. as i turned around, i caught a glimpse of a round face ducking out of view.

this continued. for about twenty minutes. he got his friend involved. they took turns standing on each others' backs to try to get higher in the window. they fought for time behind the glass. after i started ignoring the knocks on the window, i turned to my right when i heard a yell from the exterior door of the restaurant. he had come outside to find me. i gave him a "you-need-to-go-inside-right-now-or-you're-in-trouble" look. a few moments later he was back behind the window.

no insecurity. no fear that if i didn't reciprocate, his life would be O-V-E-R.

larkin's students tell her every day that she is pretty and smart and nice and why doesn't she have a boyfriend and when is she getting married and on and on and on. at what age does this become "creepy" and no longer sweet? just a thought.


in other news, jenny just exclaimed "SCRABBLE IS ALLOWING PROPER NOUNS?!?!? WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO???" a woman after my own heart.

it comes back to me every now and then. the memory of carefully choosing the book that would be mine for the next two weeks. quietly stepping toward the counter with my treasure in hand. pushing the book up on to the counter and into the hands of the tiny, aged woman behind the counter.

she touches her pointer finger and thumb to her tongue and reaches into the box to her left for the due date card. she changes the date on the stamp if i'm the first customer, and presses it to the black ink pad and then to the index card. she opens the book to the back cover and slides the card into its pocket. as she does, the plastic dust jacket cover makes a noise that gives me chills to this day.

the crinkle of the plastic combined with the creak of the binding combined with the smell of old books. i close my eyes and i'm back in downtown bluffton in a tabby-sided building in the heat of summer, ready to go home and get lost in whatever faraway land i chose.

two things:

1. a season of life is not a means to an end.

2. let's all be dreamers again.

maybe i'll explain later. this is all i have right now.

the best day of the semester.

when i woke up yesterday, all i wanted was to go back to sleep. i almost skipped class. five hours of sleep is not enough. but two cups of coffee later, i got there. i'm so glad i went because there was a guest speaker talking mostly about lame stuff, but then at the end he talked about what he looks for in prospective employees and how close to twenty-five MILLION jobs are going to open up in the next five years and also about how the recession is over and his business is back to where it was in june of 2008. i almost stood up and gave an enthusiastic "HALLELUJAH!" in the middle of class.

in the afternoon i went to a lean operations workshop/simulation thing. i was the truck driver. seriously. but that only consisted of moving fake clocks from one table to the other. and it got me out of my 5-6:15 for the rest of the week.

after that, i walked back to the apartment and got so hot that all i wanted was to jump in the lake. so i did. i went to the shiloh road house and jumped off their dock. oh. my. cold. then morg and i layed out in the sun while being serenaded by the sound of their neighbors building a tree house in the backyard.

then we grilled a bunch of food and ate and drank blue moons on the porch and talked and laughed and schemed and it was just perfect.

el lago en marzo still reigns!

(the scheming was about how we are going to disconnect their floating dock and paddle it out into the middle of the lake and partyyyyyy!)

is it possible to be both?

it seems to me that we have two choices. we can be "all things to all people", or we can be "in the world but not of it." these are the two classic verses that christians tend to use to rationalize their behavior. in the first camp are the megachurchy, designer-jean-wearing churchgoers that ask, "if we don't fit in with the (enter favorite stereotypical subculture here), how will we reach them?" in the opposite corner are the irresistible revolutionaries who only shop at thrift stores and look like they just rolled out of bed.

this is my question: can i be both?

yes. Paul did say that he was trying to be all things to all people so that all people could be saved. but i still can't rationalize spending $200 on a pair of pants when there are starving kids in my own backyard. (not to mention all over the globe.)

again, yes, Jesus did say in the gospel of John that we were not to be of the world. that the world should hate us for His name's sake. we are not to prescribe to the world's ideas of cool. but in order to do what i believe God has called me to, I'm gonna need some money. which means i need a job. which means i have to look a certain way, or they're gonna "next" me as soon as i walk in the door.

so i ask again. can i be both?

i want this to be my life:

I am humbled in this city
There seems to be an endless sea of people like us
Wakeful dreamers, I pass them on the sunlit streets
In our rooms filled with laughter
We make hope from every small disaster

(from "painting by chagall" by the weepies)

progression of a four hour drive

i am kim walker.

i am sara watkins.

now i'm sean watkins. but only because jon foreman sings too low for me.

i am zooey. (if only.)

i am ezra koenig. and i'm not exactly sure what i'm saying.

i am thomas mars. i'm still not exactly sure what i'm saying.

i am daryll hall. and i'm unsuccessfully struggling to restrain myself from dancing while driving.

now i'm deb talan. but i'm always deb talan.

this is really beautiful. but also really sad. read on.

"invisible" by judy clement wall

You don’t know me. I live in the upstairs apartment. I’m the one who never turns the music on too loud. You like that, but it’s one of those things you don’t notice. Like your heart. You don’t notice your heart until it malfunctions, until it seizes up trying to find the next beat, shoots pain through your body like an electric current. Or until it breaks. You notice your heart when it breaks.

You don’t know me because I am invisible. I look like everyone else who is invisible. Not like the homeless woman who sleeps under the tarp out back of Benny’s music shop. She’s not invisible. She’s homeless. You see her and look away. She makes you uncomfortable. She makes you wonder how it feels to sleep on a sidewalk under a tarp in February rain. Or else she makes you frantic, eager to fill your mind with other thoughts – your to-do list, your meeting tomorrow, your kid’s soccer game in the morning.

Either way, looking at her, or looking away, you see her, the homeless woman. She’s not invisible.

But I’m not out there on the street. Invisible people live in houses and apartment buildings. We have beds and refrigerators and windows with blinds on them. We have mailboxes close enough to yours that every now and then you get our mail by mistake. Flipping through your stack, you come to an electric bill for me and what registers for you is not my name, but only how the letters don’t arrange themselves into yours.

You don’t know me. You don’t know that my car’s in the shop so I’ve been taking the bus. You pass me, there at the bus stop, every morning on your way to Starbucks. Yesterday I went to Starbucks too. I stood behind you in line.

I wanted to tell you about my car. Because we’re neighbors, and because it turns out I don’t really mind taking the bus so I’m thinking I’ll do it even after my car gets fixed. I think you’d like that. You seem like someone who cares about the planet.

You’d say, “Wow, that’s great,” and you’d mean it. Maybe we’d hug. People hug a lot now. I like it when that happens, spontaneous public affection. But when you’re invisible, certain things are hard, like saying, “Hey, I’m you neighbor,” to the person in front of you at Starbucks.

Yesterday, you ordered a non-fat vanilla latte with an extra shot of espresso. I ordered coffee. I left before you. There’s no wait for plain coffee. I walked back to the bus stop and rode the bus to work. I’m not invisible at work, but it’s not the kind of place where people talk about the planet. Or hug.

You don’t know me. I live in the upstairs apartment. I’m quiet. I walk quietly, read, eat, listen to NPR quietly. Every now and then, I feel an urge to break the quiet wide open. Turn up the music impossibly loud, dance, stomp, cry, scream. I imagine you downstairs. Surprised. Suddenly aware of your upstairs neighbor.

“What the fuck?” you’d say, and maybe you’d bang on the ceiling, but I wouldn’t hear it because I’m doing so much banging of my own, splashing through my apartment that’s filling up with my tears and the words I never say, and me. Me.

And when the water started to leak through your ceiling, you’d come upstairs, knock, and then pound on my door to be heard. I’d open the door and you’d start to speak, “What the?“ but the words would get stuck in your throat because there’d I’d be, breathless, hoarse, wet, reborn.

You’d recognize me. You’d see me. You’d know me then.

http://makingmemagazine.com/index.php/2010/02/invisible/

a series of unfortunate events

whelp

i got done with my study guide at 1 pm

emailed it to myself as a .docx document

got my things together

walked to sirrine

realized i didn't have a scantron

so i waited in line to talk to my professor for 15 minutes

to ask him if i could borrow a scantron

he gave it to me

i realized i didn't have a pencil

THEN i walked down to the computer lab

the attachment wouldn't open

by then it was 1:45

ran back to the apartment

got there at 1:57

(test was at 2:30)

grabbed all my junk and re-sent the attachment and had to ride my bike to class

went back to the lab to print, had to wait in line

and got to class just in time for my test

without studying one minute

you know it's been a long time since you've been to the grocery when....

....lunch consists of a chewy bar from last summer, a handful mixed nuts, and a stale birthday cupcake.

ahhhhh

it's a sad day when most americans would choose garbage pickup over public libraries. (http://www.timepolls.com/hppolls/archive/poll_results_622.html) i'm incensed that the values of our country have shifted so drastically that we care more about convenience than intellect. if the government starts closing libraries, i'm moving to canada. and jenny's coming with me. anyone else want in?

my feeble attempts at filmmaking

http://www.youtube.com/user/jordantreads?feature=mhw4

philly was a blur

we got to philly, snuck in on a tour of independence hall, rushed through the liberty bell, walked to the love statue in jfk plaza, then walked to the phila museum of art to run up the steps like rocky. except i didn't because of my dumb ankle. then we got a cab to geno's for cheese steaks. soooo good. (apparently i've turned back into a carnivore on this trip.) then we walked through the COOLEST neighborhood that was almost sketchy but really lovely. i'd totally live there. then chan and kristan and i went on an adventure to find the sports complex. we sweet talked our way into the parking lot, had a spontaneous dance party, and drove back to the hotel via boathouse row. it's SO cool at night. each house is lit up and looks really cool. then we went to a bar down the street from the hotel...we didn't want to be toooo lame. then we went to sleep and woke up at 4:30 am and drove a million hours home.

st. pat's in boston

ridiculous. seas of green. green beer. green people from too much green beer. not really my scene but still fun.

today we went to fenway for a tour. it was actually pretty interesting, despite my lack of any interest in baseball. after that we went back to quincy market for something...i can't remember at this point...exhaustion has reared its ugly head.

then we went to find lobster rolls for lunch...disappointing to say the least, but now we can all say we've had them. i'm sure they were great...supposed to be the best in boston...just not what i was expecting.

after lunch, we headed out to harvard on the T (that's what they call the subway in boston) and wandered around there. liz and i wanted to sneak into a class just to say we had...but then we chickened out and ended up using the restrooms in the science building...man, we're rebels.

after that, we went back downtown to the arlington area and walked around a bit and found the perfect spot in boston commons (their smaller but less sketchy version of central park) to people watch. then we found a starbucks so chan could charge her phone.

then we split up and liz and i went to dinner in the north end (where all the irish pubs are) and chan and kristan went to the celtics/knicks game. let me tell you. downtown boston on st. patrick's is absolutely crazy. great people watching. and the green bud light wasn't bad either.

i'm a bad blogger

and i'm exhausted out of my mind.

monday, we woke up at 4:30 to go to the today show. we shook hands with matt and al and then got matt to sign larkin's happy birthday poster. we were on tv for about ten seconds! i can't wait to go look at the tivo and video it. dad said i was waving so hard i looked like i was going to decapitate someone.

after that, we went back to the hotel and packed up and drove to boston. we went straight into town and went shopping (the only inside activity we had planned because of the torrential rain and hurricane force winds) for a few hours. we went to dinner at a pub near boston commons. then we went to sleep. because at this point, we had been awake for 15 hours already. and it was only nine pm.

yesterday, we walked the freedom trail, which covers most of the important historical sites in boston. (we also went into the cooooolest old bookstore. heaven. but they didn't have any old editions of madeleine.) after freedom trail, we went to mike's pastry in little italy. i've never had cannoli before this, but i could tell it was good. i'd probably have liked it more if i liked sweet stuff more.

we went to cheers on beacon hill for lunch, and then headed out to the sam adams brewery for a tour. it was super interesting, and came with free beer! i liked the third kind the best...it's something that's only available in boston. after that, we went back to the harbor to relax for a few minutes.

then we went back to little italy for dinner. we ate at a place called giacomo's. mmmm. eggplant, red pepper, and black olive ravioli with plum tomato, onion, and prosciutto sauce. with goat cheese on top. yum. after dinner, we came home and i CRASHED. eight pm, i was out.

happy st. patrick's day!

"coach, louis vuitton, messenger bags, stolen sh*t!"

that's what we heard in times square from a guy selling hocked purses today. we all laughed for almost a block.

this morning, we woke up and walked to a bagel shop near our hotel. best bagel i've ever had. the thing was bigger than my face. then chan and i walked to the 23rd street station to catch a train to the met while liz and kristan walked to the 24th street station to go to times square.

the met. the metropolitan museum of art. dali. picasso. pisarro. monet. cezanne. chagall. van gogh. degas. miro. it was stunning. i saw everything i wanted to see and more. even the building was a work of art. the french rooms were stunning.

after that, we grabbed a real new york hot dog and scoped out central park. it was really beautiful and great to have seen. we walked to the strawberry fields memorial to john lennon, and then walked past the hotel where he was killed. then we went to a starbucks to wait for kristan and elizabeth. after we met back up, we headed to 5th avenue to window shop. i was too intimidated and uninterested to go into the stores...except the nike store where i fell in love with a pair of shoes...but i didn't get them.

we decided tonight would be a good night for a cheap meal, so we went to mcdonald's in times square for dinner. we were all totally exhausted after that, so we came back to the hotel. currently i'm looking out the window into the loft next door and wishing i had their apartment/life in general. and thinking about how much i don't want to wake up at four a.m. to get on the today show. but how i kind of want to.

boston tomorrow. check out random pics from today.

three thirteen

we started off around 7:30 going to the world trade center (or lack thereof...no joke) and wall street. we saw the fed which made me super excited...but i was bummed we wouldn't see good ole ben because it was a saturday. we got our pictures with the bull in front of the nyse and then headed to battery park, where we got (very far away, very cloudy) pictures of the statue of liberty.

from there, we headed toward soho to hit up american apparel and rice to riches. after that, we went our separate ways...me to morningside heights to go to the cathedral and the others to yankee stadium for a tour. i had a fair amount of time on the subway by myself and i just got to think a lot about how i'd like to know these peoples' stories. one beautiful young african-american woman reading "their eyes were watching god." the old (or maybe just aged?) man muttering to himself under his breath. the latino girl all dressed up with nowhere to go. where did they come from? where are they going? i wish i knew. (madeleine herself summed it up best here.)

when i got to the cathedral grounds, i hadn't eaten yet, but was far too excited, so i went right in. i went to the visitors' desk and asked for barbara, and, expecting an older woman, was surprised to see a girl not much older than myself say "i'm barbara. are you jordan?" so we went immediately to the library. it. was. amazing. words just won't work to describe how it felt to be in the room where she sat for so long. it was much smaller than i expected, but had much better books, including first editions of many of madeleine's books. one whole shelf was dedicated to her things. "that was her desk," said barbara, motioning to the far corner at the smallest desk in the room, "look at the view from there." i sheepishly apologized for my nerdiness before snapping a few photos. and then, i walked around to her desk and touched it. with my hand. my hand to where madeleine l'engle's hand inevitably sat. i touched her space. i touched genius today. barbara apologized for the terrible weather and showed me the peacocks' cages before we went back to the cathedral.

then i went back in for the cathedral highlights tour and the vertical tour. both very interesting. i'm really glad i went. then i headed back to the subway station. on the way, i stopped for a few pictures across the street when a gust of wind blew my umbrella inside out and one of the metal arms broke. so before getting on the train, i went to a duane reed (the pharmacy up here...i swear there's one on every block) to grab a new umbrella. then i came back to the hotel to crash.

we went to dinner in the upper east side at this great french steakhouse. best steak and pomme frite in the city apparently. i definitely enjoyed it. we went to dessert at serendipity, where the characters in the movie "serendipity" went on their first pseudo-date. apparently...i vaguely remember that part. anyway, a frozen hot chocolate later and i'm too tired to go to sleep.

here are a few memorable points in the day/things i learned:
-i got asked for directions. THREE times. my khaki trench, black umbrella, and unflinching stare must be giving off the right signal. people actually think i'm from this town!
-all you have to do is ask. you can usually get what you want. my dreams came true today just because i asked for something that someone wasn't offering offhand.
-i could probably live in new york city. as long as i could live in the morningside heights area and not chelsea or soho or any of the more congested areas.
-i really like the rain. it's true.
-this girl at the table next to us at dinner didn't know it, but she told us her whole love life situation...there's rob and bill and john and jason and zach (he's the bipolar one) and tim, but he cheated on her, and..... geeeeeez girl. stop.
-the cathedral of st john the divine is a house of prayer for all people. which means that, while they are part of the episcopal church, they welcome people of all faiths to worship with them. i really like this.
-i'm so good at navigating in big cities. it's my jam. almost as much as public transit is my jam. which is almost as much as "empire state of mind" is my jam.

the true story of chinatown

after much confusion involving an "investigation" on the subway, we grabbed a cab to chinatown. when we got there, we headed to the nearest corner and waited to see what was offered us. the first seller was a man offering us gucci and chanel. we asked him if he had coach, but he didn't. so it was on to the next street corner.

the next salesperson we found was a woman. when asked if she had coach, she forcefully assured us that she did, saying that her sister had stolen some just the day before. this was our woman. she talked for about forty seconds on her phone in chinese before giving us a nod over her shoulder, meaning "follow me." we followed her for about a block before she stopped and stood far enough away from us not to be noticeable while she talked to her partner in chinese for a few more seconds. she led us around the corner and said, under her breath, "follow that woman," gesturing toward another chinese woman on the next corner.

we followed this woman about a half block before she stopped, put her finger to her mouth, and told us to "shhh." she turned to her left and opened a door with a key. (at least the door was made of glass...right?) she opened another glass door into a long badly-lit hallway. at the end of this was yet another glass door into a courtyard of sorts. she told us to wait for her while she locked the door behind her. from the courtyard, we went down a metal staircase where she unlocked yet another door and led us into a room full of cardboard boxes and chinese newspapers stacked up waist-high. we followed her into a room off this one, which is when each of our jaws dropped to the floor. HUNDREDS of designer handbags.

usually this isn't my scene, but i found the absolute most perfect bag in the world. with a shoulder strap. after making our purchases, we were told never to speak of this again. oops.

this was, by far, the sketchiest thing i've ever done.

richmond to new york

we drove for a looooong time this morning. and got stuck in traffic in dc for a looooooong time. but we got to see some really cool stuff on the way. we saw the high school that jerai grant went to, passed right through the maryland campus, and drove through some really cool towns. we got to our hotel around three thirty this afternoon after a really stressful time of driving through new york city.

we started off in chinatown, on account of we wanted to be there in the light. good choice, girls. we were off in search of illicit stolen/counterfeit goods. whelp. we found them. a few asian women, two sketch alleys, two basement hideaways, and seven purses later, we got out of there. sheesh. (mom and dad, we were reallllly cautious and safe.) absolutely the most sketchy operation i have ever been a part of.

then we got a cab to times square. we checked out all the important things and then used chan's new phone's app called urban spoon to find us a LEGIT sushi spot only two blocks off the square. maybe the best dragon roll i've ever had.

after dinner, we set off toward the empire state building. a few stops (H&M...be still my beating heart) later, we got there and it was really breathtaking. got some great photos. (actually, i don't know if they're great yet because they're FILM. i can't wait to take them to walmart.) the whole time up there i was reminded of the scene from "extremely loud & incredibly close" when they're talking to the woman at the top of the building. love that book.

then we went to starbucks and then walked back to the hotel. and now we're going to sleep. tomorrow i'm going to the cathedral and i'm freaking excited.

(the only pictures i'll be posting throughout the week are on twitpic... http://twitpic.com/photos/jtread )

i just have a few things to say:

1. i am a kid on christmas. i woke up at six for no reason other than that i was excited to gooooooo.

2. jenn agee is the best friend EVER. seriously. everyone should befriend this girl. she has the best taste in music and she loves to share!

3. i have the best roommates in the world. who dye my hair at ten pm. blue. (don't worry mom and dad...you can't really tell...)

4. I AM GOING TO BE IN THE PLACE MADELEINE L'ENGLE DID MOST OF HER LATER WRITING. if i come out of that library uninspired, i'm going to be pissed. but i don't think that's going to happen. some of her genius has to rub off on me.

5. four cameras. FOUR.

6. eight rolls of film.

7. my ankle hurts like a g. if someone wants to pray for healing and strength in the ligaments that would just be amazing.

8. TWO HOURS. richmond tonight, new york until monday, boston until thursday, philly until friday.

birthday schmirthday

i think this is the first birthday that i've been kind of tentative about. twenty two years is a long time. i'm really old. i don't think i like it.

our slam (smash) poetry reading last night in honor of fran

(read it like you might read rap lyrics if you were really white)

claire: happy birthday to the fran
ben: hah ha ha ha, yeah, uh-huh
jenny: fran is a picky eater
ming: she's a great trick-or-treater
anne: kathleen is a babe and she eats a lot of doughnuts
josh: when she holds my hand, it makes me go conuts
michael: when she walks around town, everyone goes crazy
wesley: my eyes are gettin' hazy
kathleen: thanks for all the smash poetry lines
marie: kathleen is full of good times
jordan: brandon is our hero of the night
larkin: what am i supposed to do with this, eat it? yeah, right.

i just googled myself. funniest thing i've done in a long time. apparently i was quite a well-connected kid, because there are like a million quotes of me talking about jesus in a cheesy and unrealistic way from the island packet. and the article where i was an academic all-american. holla. and the time jenn, laura, jess, and i swept three awards at the film fest in high school.

i have a huge crush...

...on a car. every time i look in the parking lot, i only want to drive it. i even tried befriending its owner just to get a ride. i'm pretty sure he thinks i have a crush on him though. oops.

art and depression

there exists a belief that creativity and depression are linked. many studies have been done and it has been decided by psychologists that depression fuels creativity. just look at van gogh, david foster wallace, amy tan, monet, truman capote, audrey hepburn, and countless others. the facts seem to build up. right?

i'll be the first to admit that there's a link. but i think the link is opposite of what has been suggested. i'd suggest that artistic talent fuels depression. madeleine l'engle has a lot of good things to say about art and artists, especially in "walking on water," but a piece of dialog from one of her novels moved me the most deeply. i can't find where i wrote it in my journal, and since ray hobbs has been borrowing this book since the end of summer, i can't look it up...but it said something to the effect of "you feel things too deeply not to have to get them out in some form of art." and of course, it was more graceful and eloquent than that, because she's madeleine, and i'm jordan.

but i agree with her. i think that not creating, or not being able to recreate what you see in your head, or any other type of "block" is what leads to the mental disability that is so frequently associated with artists.

just something that's been plaguing me lately.

sidenote: i get to see paintings by van gogh, monet, pisarro, picasso, gaugan, cezanne, and degas IN PERSON one week from today. these guys are my heroes. this is better than anything else in the world.

i only wish i could forget

standing in the sun smoking quiet cigarettes, just before i let you down.

punctuation saves lives...and reputations

think about the following scenario:


i get a call from a friend. i am unable to answer. the following takes place over text message:

me: hey, did you need something?

friend: you in your apartment


i think what he meant was "are you in your apartment?" i laughed for about twenty minutes over this one.

yes, yes, i know.

i know, i realize that this is the third time i've blogged tonight. but it's bothering me. so i'm sending it into cyberspace... (side note: why do i blog? i'm not exactly sure. who even reads this? jenn? are you there? the occasional laura? anyone else? i'm just not sure.)

anyways...this is what's bothering me: fca. why do people go? to socialize? i know that's not right. to worship? that would be a good reason, but me parece que ningun really does that, in a legit way.

i'm just so sick of fake. i'm so sick of not feeling like praying, listening, singing, and doing it anyway. i'm sick of other people doing the same. this is not what i signed up for. this is death.

i said yes to life. freedom. happiness. (the real happiness, like joy, not the fake, worldly happiness.) light.

fake = dark. fake = unreal. i'm all about real, especially when the real is better than the fake. and even when it's not.

does any of this make sense? can You hear me? is it time to be real yet?

dear world:

dear world:

if it ever happens that you have a hard week, allergies, and a big exam and it's thursday afternoon, please DON'T do the following:

take benadryl (hey, it'll clear my allergies up before my test!...right?)

drink 2 servings (1 can) of full throttle (awww man that benadryl put me to sleep, gotta get through this test!)

then proceed to drink a glass of wine with dinner, despite your roommate's warnings against it (it's been a rough week...and i'm okay!)

yikes. and now i have to go to fca. wasted. well...sort of. but it's not my fault! could get interesting.

love,
jordan

this has absolutely nothing to do with anything...

...other than that i just remembered it yesterday and thought i'd share.

sophomore year in high school....hilton head high, spanish three honors. i could list every person in that class, but no one except jenn and laura would know them, and it suffices to say that it was the most diverse group of people you've ever met, from the class clown to the football star, to the mexican gang member, to the valedictorian, to the....you get the picture.

it was the best class i ever had in high school. not only did i learn a ton and gain a superlove for the spanish language, i laughed my head off ninety-nine percent of the time. (i'm trying this new thing where i write numbers out in letter form...let me know what you think.)

anyways, yesterday as i was studying for my project management exam, a boy who happened to have been in that spanish three honors class and who is now in said project management class sat down and started to study with me in the lounge on the first floor of sirrine.

it reminded me of the class. which reminded me that at one point, for some reason, mattie stokes, laura westby, and i made a papier mache octopus. it had a name, i'm sure of it, although i can't remember what it was at this point. it also reminded me of the time we had to play pictionary using only spanish words and our drawing skills, during which time da-veeed (in classic spanish pronunciation) was trying to say butcher and ended up repeating "CARNE ROJO, CARNE ROJO!" over and over and over again until everyone was cracking up. it reminded me most, however, of the time (times, semester-long time) that i convinced the girl named ashley that i was a member of the religion of "youthanism" which necessitated marriage before age 16, and that we were getting married on july 4 because it was symbolic of freedom from the reign of our parents. she asked me where i was registered and asked what i wanted as a present.

again, this has absolutely nothing to do with anything, except each of these stories put me into absolute stitches.

love it.

http://nonfictionbookeditor.com/2010/03/02/how-books-can-save-us/

from "The Soloist" by Steve Lopez

"I've never had a friend who lives in so spiritual a realm as Mr. Ayers, and I know that through his courage and humility and faith in the power of art - through his very ability to find happiness and purpose - he has awakened something in me."

grace, mercy, Jesus

Grace: a. the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God. b. the influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them.

Mercy: a. compassionate or kindly forbearance shown toward an offender, an enemy, or other person in one's power. b. something that gives evidence of divine favor; blessing.

Hebrews 4:16: Therefore let us approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us at the proper time.

this is what happens when you take lortab in the middle of the day:

me: i haven't taken that long of a nap in my whole life
or that hard

jenny: hahahahahah you were sooooo out
AND talking in your sleep
you told me you loved me
hahahaha
or someone!

me: i did???
hahahahahahahahaha
OMG
i'm loling

jenny: hahahahahahaha i know!
it was really funny

me: did i say anything else?

jenny: i couldnt understand the rest
it was very full of expression though
whwatever it was
not coherent at all, but very emphatic
hahaha

today's lessons

1. i have a new appreciation for josh carroll, king of crutches and dominator of broken bodies.

2. submerging your whole foot in ice water hurts almost as bad as a badly sprained ankle.

3. i have the best roommates in the world. many thanks to them for putting up with my lame self that can't even get a meal from the kitchen to the table without help.

4. it's not a good idea to run from my apartment to the neighbor's apartment in the dark. apparently, there are many holes.

5. the doctors weren't kidding about me having vaso-vagal syncopes. or whatever it's called. the second i feel pain, i'm out like a light.

6. stairs are not my friend.

7. it's really, really, really hard to get dressed with the use of one leg.

8. steve lopez is a really beautiful writer. i love the journalistic feel of "the soloist."

9. this guy who is in both of my m/w classes has been creepily staring at me out of the corner of his eye for weeks.

10. i love my house church family.

hollaaaaaaaaa

http://www.timeanddate.com/counters/customcounter.html?month=3&day=11&year=2010&hour=2&min=00&sec=00&p0=66

linked in?

so my dad talked me into making a profile on linkedin....anyone know why i would want to do this? what are the benefits?

i know the rumors have been swirling for a while now, so i'm just going to come out and confirm it. yes, the producers of lost are writing me in as a character on the show. i will be in next week's episode as jack shephard's off-island junkie wife. the name written on the wall? yeah, that's me. jordan shephard. i'm the candidate.

every time i put a profound and beautiful quote up as my facebook status, my parents FREAK out and think i want to kill myself. i don't. in fact, i love life. but i also love this quote from Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close:

"I can't live, I've tried and I can't. If that sounds simple, it's simple like a mountain is simple."

formspring.me

would you rather go on an adventure to narnia or hogwarts?

dearest larkie,

this might be the hardest decision i'll never have to make. and it depends on a few factors.

first off, what time frame are we talking about here? narnia is a totally different place in each of the books. if we're talking lion, witch, wardrobe narnia, i'd have to go there. hogwarts was also very different at different times. if it's hogwarts circa prisoner of azkaban, i'd have to say hogwarts, just because sirius is around. also hogwarts circa goblet of fire would be great.

i think you have some clarifying to do. give me two specific time frames to work with here.

Ask me anything

"for out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks"

"The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks."

i've become too dependent on words i shouldn't say. words that don't speak life.

so, for lent, i'm giving up those words.

it's going to be hard. there are certain times and situations where only those certain words are appropriate. times that it becomes more difficult to express my emotions in short words or phrases.

on the top of the list of things to go is "that's what she said." because, let's face it. it's funny, but how much good is it really doing?

From "A Circle of Quiet" by Madeleine L'Engle

"And if I ask about this fear, do not offer me pie in the sky or talk to me in the narrow world of logical proof. Answer me, please, with the St. Matthew Passion; with Twelfth Night; with Guernica; with simile and metaphor, image and icon. There isn't any other way to express or to understand anything which transcends material facts."

birthdays....

true life: my little brother was born on my second birthday.

this means that, growing up, we ALWAYS had joint parties. for the first ten-or-so years, it made sense. we both ran with the same little hooligans and were into the same things. around 13, i started to grow quite weary of the joint parties. for his 12th birthday, he wanted to have a paintball party. me, being a 14-year-old female, did not.

i think that was when we started having separate parties. (i think that was also the year i got my first camera. Nikon N55. good times.) anyway, we had separate friend parties from that point on, but the family celebration was still the same. we fought about where to go out to eat. i always wanted french or italian. he always wanted japanese steakhouse.

when i got into high school, i found out that one of my best friends was also born on march 10, 1988. in the delivery room next door to me. i think i'm something like 2 hours older than jenn agee.

my freshman year of college, march started looming. when it got closer, we realized that three of us were born within a week of each other. there goes the idea of my own birthday. the three of us now live together. kathleen was born on march 8, i was born on march 10, and larkin was born on march 15.

there's been talk of having a joint birthday party. it's a great idea, really it is. saves everyone's time and money, both of which seem to be scarce these days. but i can't help but not want it. i want my own birthday celebration. i'm a selfish 22-year-old.

for my birthday this year, i don't want any presents, i don't want any surprises, i don't even want anyone to have to pay to go out to dinner to celebrate. all i want is to go on a really long hike with my closest friends. i want to walk and take photos and talk and fellowship and maybe even stop at a beautiful spot for a pb&j.

(hint: also, i realllllly dislike theme parties. which is why i left town sophomore year when people lovingly tried to throw me one. i'm sorry, i'm just not a fan.)

dear bonnaroo....

...you had me at jay-z...

http://www.bonnaroo.com/artists.aspx

graduation present? ohhhh yeah.

Lessons - Walt Whitman

There are who teach only the sweet lessons of peace and safety;
But I teach lessons of war and death to those I love,
That they readily meet invasions, when they come.

now I got lots of friends, yes, but then again, nobody knows me at all

last night was the best. got to do six of my absolutely most favorite things:

1. play in the snow.
2. take 203948203498 photos.
3. hang out with some quality people.
4. cook copious amounts of food for said quality people.
5. edit 203948203498 photos.
6. go on a long walk at night by myself.

if only i had:
-finished a really good book.
-gone swimming.
-kayaked.
-slept on the porch in my hammock.
-painted.
-had my dog with me.

it would have been the best day ever.

as it stands, it's probably in my top ten.

ask me....anything?

http://www.formspring.me/jordantreads

(i'm an internet bandwagon-jumper.)

sustainable hypocrisy

this morning in lieu of class, we went to listen to catherine reeves, head of environmental management operations for xerox, speak about environmental sustainability. she said some really great things and has had great results in implementing environmentally-beneficial procedures for the company, however, she started her presentation off by explaining what sustainability is and why the world isn't sustainable. she described how over 2/3 of the world's population lives on less than $4 a day. and how if everyone lived according to first world standards, we would need three planet earths to sustain it.

it caught my attention. i've heard the statistics before, but it hit me harder today. these companies are trying to achieve environmental sustainability, but what are they doing for the people who literally live off of $4 a day? i'm just not sure i buy into this corporate fad of sustaining the environment for the sake of a profit. if i take a job for one of these organizations, am i a hypocrite?

am i a hypocrite anyway?

Quotes from Larkin's 2nd Graders About Black History Month:

Fantasy: "I leared adout Harry it tabmen. She tryed to free the slavs."

Blake: "Dr. King Guner he won the first nodil prise."

Destiny: "OhBomMu He tace cere of us He give us food"

Kemuel: "Louis Armstrong was the first african american that played trumpet."

Haley: "Rodrt Patsn wud Not sher a set with a whit Prisn so she went to jall:"

Anonymous: "Michael Lake Son He Helped Peolpo dance to the bete"

Power and Freedom and Joy

“When we are caught up in power we are not free, but in bondage to the power we have grasped. God is completely free because power has been laughingly thrown away in order that love may reign. The throwing away of power requires enormous power.”

“The impossible is all that makes life itself possible, with all the anxieties and griefs and pains that come with experience. Joy, too, I don’t forget joy, but joy sometimes comes in the midst of pain.”

“Freedom is not an easy choice.”

“Love. Love is not power, but is that humility which leads to freedom. A terrifying freedom!”

-Madeleine L’Engle

also....

also i got two new hats yesterday for helping my uncle set up for EORA and i haven't taken them off!

i begged my roommates to let me go to the grocery store last night at 11:30 so i could show the purple one off. they wouldn't let me.

i made a promise...

i made a promise to katie keenan. and then broke that promise. so i'm following up a week and a half late.

so...uganda.

when i was at passion in january, i felt like the Lord was calling me to uganda. calling me in that non-english voice. the one that makes you sound crazy when you try to explain it.

so, because i'm jordan treadaway and i don't tell anyone anything, i didn't tell anyone. until about two weeks later when someone asked me what i was doing after graduation and it just came out. "i sort-of have a job in greenville (that still has not called me back. geeeeez.) but what i really want to do is move to uganda and start a vocational school for kids who have grown up in orphanages." expecting raised eyebrows, i glanced up to see his reaction. "wow," he said, "i have a friend who wants to do that exact same thing. i'll hook you guys up."

what, Jesus? i didn't just make it all up?

so i sat with that and prayed about it for a while. and then i told my mom. let me just say....that didn't go over very well. i accidentally told her that my goal in life is to die. it just didn't exactly come out how i wanted it to. i meant to say that i didn't want to live my life just for me, that i wanted to live out God's glory, and if that got me killed 30 years earlier than i would have had i been living the american dream, then great. i get to see the face of God earlier.

so i'm waiting on the Lord. i feel like i'm supposed to be in Uganda on January 12, 2011. why that date, i have no earthly idea. what am i going to do before then? again, no idea. but i'm looking. at jobs in greenville, jobs in charleston, and maybe even jobs in hilton head. but preferably not, because i know that if i move home, these dreams will start to become silly again.

and this, this is why i pretend to be hardcore. because i'm the softest person you'll ever meet. and if i start to care, i only get hurt.

"i can see a lot of life in you..."

i can read thousands of words a day. millions of individual letters, put together to mean something. something quite beautiful.

but when it comes to putting my words to paper (or screen, as it were) i can't string two thoughts together. and, on the days i can, it doesn't come out as richly or as splendidly as the concepts look in my mind.

but i need to get it out. somehow.

a story? tried that. it was a quick fix. but beginner's luck had me wrapped in it's coils.

a painting? who has the time? i will never live up to my high school work.

a song? am i really to believe that anyone wants to hear the saxophone's hum buzzing about his or her eardrums? least of all me?

so i give up. but if i someone doesn't understand me soon, i'm going to die. no, i won't keel over. i won't stop breathing. but i die a little bit inside every time i'm misunderstood. every time someone says "oh, i totally had you pegged for a twilight fan." or "you're a business major, why do you spend your time reading unnecessary things like dostoyevsky?"

i need someone to get me. and soon. please.

how is it that you can still have deep feelings for someone who has hurt you so many times? am i just a glutton for punishment? or is there a reason those feelings are still there? something inside me tells me not to give up. then there's the fact that i quite honestly still believe he is emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically perfect, even if he sometimes acts like a total ass and is a commitment-phobe. or maybe it's just me that he acts like that towards. maybe i'm not worth commitment, or i'm too forward, or too __________. i make fun of girls who act the way i'm feeling right now. "get over it," i say, "he's just a jerk." but now i think i have to be done. even though he's always on my heart and on my mind. even if it takes years to get through. i can't take it anymore. it's a rollercoaster ride and i'm not in control of any part of it, because every time he's ready to ride again, i'm right there. i just can't do it anymore. i give up.

shower, take 2

This morning, at 7:30 am, I woke up to my alarm from a dream. A dream that I had gone to Uganda, and while there, contracted AIDS. And I was happy about it. And my parents were happy about it. And one of my neighbors in Daniel Square who I barely know came and visited me and HE was happy about it. (Not happy that I had AIDS, happy that I had gone to Uganda and given it everything I had in me.)

Once I had enough consciousness to realize that I wasn't in this dream, I found a facebook message on my phone from a girl named Caitlyn Griffin. A friend-of-a-friend whom I have never met, who has the EXACT same dream for a school of technical training for older orphans/children in Uganda. She's serious.

So, all-in-all, my morning was VERY eventful before 7:35. I got in the shower and couldn't stop laughing. Which is why I somehow forgot to take the conditioner out of my hair. I got out, got dressed, and went downstairs for about an hour. When I came back upstairs, I realized that my hair was extremely sticky and goopy. Tried to wash aforementioned conditioner out in the sink. Failed. Realized it was too late and threw it in a ponytail and headed to class.

When I got home from class, I realized I was going to have to take another shower, so I went to Fike (why waste a shower?). This is when I tried again to get in the shower. Except this time, I got in with my socks on. Fail.

It's been a great morning.

(Mostly because when I was in the shower, all I could hear was "read Habakkuk, read Habakkuk." So I did. Wow. The Lord is answering the prayers of my heart. The ones I couldn't even speak out loud. The ones He heard through groans and cries.)

January 12, 2011

I am moving to Uganda, Africa on January 12 of next year. I have no earthly idea what this entails. I don't even know where in Uganda I'm going. Health insurance? Not a clue. Money? Nope. Job until then? Still...no. I'm trusting these things will get figured out before 1/12. I cannot do this by myself.

Like my roommate Kathleen said recently "It's not really that poetic when it's real life."