i should be studying for my econ test tomorrow. if i were the perfect student, this is what i would be doing. but i'm not. i'm not perfect. at anything. and that's how it's supposed to be. "we're gonna raise our voice in victory! we're gonna make our praises loud!"

God has been showing me this a lot lately. i'm not a perfect Christian, student, friend, daughter, or anything else that i happen to be. the area that i need to work on the most is the friend part. which goes along with the Christian part. "can we climb this mountain? i don't know. higher now than ever before."

i have a lot of love inside me. mostly i have a lot of love for the less fortunate. i have an insane passion for hurting people. homeless, kids, abused, unloved. those are the ones that are easy for me to love. it's hard to love my friends. like, really love them. and show them that. and not get frustrated with them. because they're not perfect. and how will they ever know that they're maybe not doing the perfect thing if we can't get over ourselves and tell them. "throw it away, forget yesterday, we'll make the great escape."

last tuesday night i was trying to go to sleep around two thirty and every time i closed my eyes all i could see were snakes and dragons biting me in the face. i was paralyzed with fear. praying only made it worse. finally i started repeating "in the name of Jesus, be gone" over and over. finally, "IN THE NAME OF JESUS, BE GONE." and they were. then this morning around five i woke up to kathleen shrieking "Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! save me! help me! Jesus Christ!" she saw a black cloud above her that was smothering her. she literally couldn't breathe. "shout it from the rooftops, everybody scream your heart out!"

this was the scariest and most present form of spiritual warfare i have ever encountered. it's also the week i've felt closest to God and His heart. no such thing as coincidence. i dare them to come back every night. because it means i'm a threat. my roommate and i are threats to the second-most powerful force in this world. that pumps me up.